Thanks everyone, for making me feel a little better about grabbing my bonus and running! I consider myself a very conscientious person, with a strong work ethic, and I was feeling a tad bit guilty about the whole thing. I was raised to work really hard, no matter what the “reward”, so I think that gets in my way sometimes. My husband, my family, and even my doctor have all asked why I put 110% of myself into a company that does not value my work, and continues to abuse me? And all I could say is that, I can’t not do my best work every day. I wouldn’t take long breaks (some days, none at all), would complete tasks quickly and on time, and would never say no to a new task. That may have been how I was hardwired from childhood, but it was not healthy. And just in the last few months, I’ve learned to sit back and let my assistant do much more, take lots of breaks, and have even learned to say no (although that answer is rarely accepted). I know that a good work ethic can be just as valuable at home as in the office, and I’m planning on using my new-found freedom to get tons of stuff done around the house. My husband won’t recognize the place after a few weeks!
Speaking of getting stuff done around the house, though – I need to clean tonight because my mom is coming tomorrow!!! I’m pretty excited 
. She’s only been to visit once in the last 3 years, and it was after my second surgery. She came for a week to take care of me, since DH couldn’t take any time off. She spent most of the time watching movies with me in my drugged-up haze. We saw her last Christmas in Louisiana, and she came to Atlanta in March to take care of me again after my third surgery. It’s going to be nice to see her when I’m not on perc.ocet and stuck in bed .
She gets here tomorrow morning, so I’ll probably take her to lunch and then take her back to the house for a nap while I go back to work. I’m planning on taking off a few hours early on Friday, since I’ve worked extra hours this pay period already, so hopefully we’ll get to spend most of the day Friday together. She doesn’t leave until the Tuesday after Thanksgiving, so it’ll be a nice long visit!
So far, the plan is she and my sister will spend Saturday in DC while Hubby and I have our anniversary night in Annapolis. Sunday, she is driving down to VA to visit my brother, Monday and Tuesday she’ll probably spend back down in DC while we’re at work, Wednesday and Thursday – Thanksgiving stuff, Friday – relax, Saturday and Sunday we head to NYC for sight-seeing and a show at Radio City Music Hall, Monday – relax and pack.
Now, if we can avoid the baby-craze while she’s here, that’ll be great. I have been feeling a little better about it the last couple of days, even stopping in at Pot.tery B.arn Kids with DH to buy my sister a couple crib sheets (and that place is strictly off-limits for me most of the time…it’s just not worth the emotional meltdown) and not getting teary-eyed at all. AF is due sometime next week though, so it’s anybody’s guess whether I’ll still be up to doing any baby-related activities like shopping (or even talking). I guess I’ll just take it one day at a time.
If anyone was thinking that it’s a little strange that I’m not celebrating the fact that I’m going to be rid of my job and horrible boss soon with a little more enthusiasm, then they’d be on to something. It’s true. I haven’t put up a countdown, raved about how I’m dreaming the exit interview will go (the reality-based version and then the fantasy one being completely different, of course), or otherwise shown that I’m reaaaaally happy about being able to quit.
That’s because DH and I have decided to wait until my boss awards this year’s bonuses. And then I’m going to give my two week notice.
Okay, before you judge – hear me out. In our original salary negotiations, we were told that a lower salary would be rewarded with extremely generous bonuses based on how the company has done that year. So…the first year was excellent. My boss gave us both a great bonus, and apologized at the amount, saying that next year’s would be even better since he anticipated better sales numbers. And sure enough, the next year’s sales numbers were almost double. But, strangely enough, the boss man decided to cut himself a big fat check instead of keeping his promises, and our bonuses were almost cut in half from the year before. WFT?! So, neither of us anticipates a great bonus this year, despite the fact that we are, again, having a record-breaking year – even more so than last year. But….even if he cuts our bonuses in half again this year, it would still be enough so that I wouldn’t have to get a part-time job. At all.
And so, we decided to wait. Problem is, bonuses could be awarded the week after Thanksgiving (like the first year), or the day before Christmas (like last year). Or, he could even wait until January 1st. Although that would be a totally wanker move, since most of the employees count on these bonuses for whatever end-of-year expenses typically come up.
I’m not happy about it, but unfortunately “I don’t wanna!” is not a good enough reason not to cooperate. A couple more weeks of misery spells uninterrupted stay-at-home bliss. And DH has said that if I just can’t take it, then we can go back to Plan A and I’ll quit earlier – no big deal. So I’m going to do my best to stick it out.
It may seem a bit questionable to some of you to take the money and run, but remember that these are end-of-year bonuses. To reward us for the hard work we put in over the course of the year (and in DH and my case, a supplement to our low negotiated salaries). And, really, I have to do what’s best for us without thinking about how my boss might feel taken advantage of. I guess it’s no worse than he makes me feel every single day.
So, I don’t know the exact day, which kind of sucks, but it’s still really soon. And believe me, as soon as I know what day it is, you’ll see the most obnoxious countdown on this blog, complete with confetti and celebratory music. And I’ll giggle every time I see it. And THAT will be the best two week wait EVER.
We couldn’t get to the funeral this weekend. It was on Saturday, but DH wasn’t feeling well Friday night, so we couldn’t make the 7 hour drive up to NY. We’re planning to go up some time next month instead, to spend some time with Tara’s boyfriend Michael. We both felt horrible about not being able to go, but DH rarely gets sick and I think the stressful week was just taking it’s toll on him as well.
Saturday, we spend the day making lists of everything we were going to need to host Thanksgiving next week. We’re going to be cooking for 10! My mom is flying in, my sister R. is bringing two of her friends from college, and our good friends J.ames and Mi.chele are coming and bringing J.ames’ parents, who will be in town visiting from Michigan. Quite a crowd! We’ve spent time with J.ames’ parents before, and they are very laid-back, engaging people, so I think everyone will have a good time. We had to stock up on some basic necessities though, for the dinner. Like water glasses. We only had 4 or 5 (they get broken so easily around our house). And a turkey platter. And then fancy stuff like cloth napkins and napkin rings, a gravy boat, and champagne flutes. We made a trip out to Home Goods Saturday evening. I love that store!
Sunday was gorgeous – 65 degrees and sunny. I threw open all of the windows and cleaned out the fridge and the kitchen cabinets. DH raked leaves and then we watched The Wizard of Oz last night (I hadn’t seen that in ages).
I was still an emotional wreck Friday night. Felt a little better on Saturday, but still not back to normal yet. Besides everything else that was going on, this past week was the release of the new Call of Du.ty game, and my frustration at being an x.box “widow” came boiling back up again. Last time I confronted DH about having to go to bed by myself almost every night, it didn’t go so well. There were other factors at play that time that are different now. He was stressed about his mom stopping cancer treatments (she died a week after that post), stress about an uncertain job situation (he’s gotten a new position in our company since then), and of course, that night he was drinking a lot of Scotch. I did learn to leave the emotionally-charged arguments for a more sober time after that. Anyway, I was a little nervous about confronting him, and didn’t want him to feel like I was attacking him for being a bad husband (which he’s not, obviously). He asked me why I was upset, and I told him that I was angry at the xbox. And left it at that. He was quiet for a few minutes, and I let him think about it for a bit. And then he said that it was a good stress-reliever for him, and I said I completely understood, but that I missed him in bed at night. He thought for another couple of minutes, and then said that he’d scale it back for me. And I smiled and said, thanks honey. Last night, he played guitar instead of xbox, and came to bed around 11:30. He kissed me goodnight, and it was lovely to have him there to cuddle with as I fell asleep.
——————
I’m on cd20, and I think either 3 or 4 dpo. My temps aren’t shooting upwards yet, but we’ll see what happens tomorrow. I screwed up the saliva hormone test last week, so I have to wait for cd1 to start it over again. AARGH! I’m a little mad at myself for messing something up that is so easy. Now, I just have to wait another month to find out what my wacky hormones are doing. Oh well.
I think we did the best we could around ovulation time this month. We missed one day that I wished we really hadn’t, but I think we have a pretty good shot regardless. The end of this cycle is going to fall right around my anniversary, if not on it, so that kind of sucks. I’m trying to keep myself from hoping that this cycle would be any different from the rest just because it will be our anniversary, but that’s easier said than done. I have a feeling I’ll be going through a few hpt’s in the next couple weeks…
Okay, dumb way to title the post, but I couldn’t think of anything else and my feet are cold despite sitting two feet away from the pellet stove…
It’s been a rough week. It started off really well, and just went downhill so fast. First, the baby overload from my mom, and then our friend died so suddenly. And I’ve been an emotional wreck. My mood swings have been so drastic that I will be furious with DH at one second, slamming all the dishes around while unloading the dishwasher, and then the very next second just staring at him in adoration and plopping a big kiss on his forehead.
And then of course, the damn rain is so depressing. It is just drippy, cold and gross, which always makes me grumpy.
After a kind of traumatic day yesterday, neither of us were “in the mood” last night, even though I had some fertile cm and tried to get DH to cooperate. He politely refused (!) and read a book instead. I would have been angry if I hadn’t felt so blah myself. My temp took a huge dive today, so it may very well be today that I ovulate(d). The stupid OPK’s aren’t showing squat, but I also have only been able to test once a day. It’s been impossible to test at work. I’ll just wait for the temp rise and leave it at that.
I’m hoping tomorrow is tear-free. I thought today might be…until about 5 minutes into work when I checked my email and saw that my sister had sent me a note thanking me for “being happy with me and for me and for helping me be excited and plan”. I know she knows how tough this is for me. It would be so much worse if she hadn’t been through IF hell herself…
I though I’d share this picture of our friend Tara. This was from Alumni Weekend last year – the last time I saw her. DH saw her at the one this year – she had broken her ankle and was wheelchair bound, but was rolling around being the life of the party as usual. Last year, there were only 5 wives/girlfriends there. We laughed because we all had rhyming names – Cara, Kara, Laura, Sarah and Tara. Tara is the one on the right.
Once upon a time, a 17 year old girl joined the Army National Guard.
Her future DH joined the Army soon after that.
She served 6 years, he served 8. But eventually, in 2006, they said goodbye to military life for good. After 3 deployments, two wars, and living overseas, they decided to see what civilian life had to offer.
But they have never forgotten what amazing men and women they served with over the better part of a decade, and continue to support those who are still wearing the uniform.
In November 1919, President Wilson proclaimed November 11 as the first commemoration of Armistice Day with the following words: “To us in America, the reflections of Armistice Day will be filled with solemn pride in the heroism of those who died in the country’s service and with gratitude for the victory, both because of the thing from which it has freed us and because of the opportunity it has given America to show her sympathy with peace and justice in the councils of the nations…”
After World War II, Armistice Day was renamed Veteran’s Day in order to honor veterans of all wars. May we never forget the men and women who served in the past, and those who continue to serve our country today.
“Military service is a sacrifice borne by few for the benefit of many.”
I was working on a Veteran’s Day post early this morning before work, when F. came into the office to tell me that our friend Tara died. She was F.’s wife’s best friend, and a college buddy of DH as well. She was also the girlfriend of another good college buddy of DH’s. And she died from a blood clot last night during a layover on her way to visit her mom.
It’s heartbreaking news. I can’t believe we’ll never get to see her again. She was such a fun person. She could get along with anyone, and was always the life of the party. Everyone knew her and loved her. She taught kindergarten, and her students adored her. She was so freakin’ cool, and so very sweet.
I know her boyfriend is completely broken up right now – they’d been together for over 6 years.
She was 33.
We’ll probably be driving up to upstate NY for the funeral, but I’m not sure when.
My mom has been inundating me (and my sisters) with emails about my sister’s baby. What she’s bought on ebay, what she thinks we should buy my sister and her husband for Christmas, how we shouldn’t buy anything pink for the baby because she’s got that “covered”.
It’s starting to be a little much for me to handle, but I can’t seem to get up the courage to ask her to stop. Every conversation with her or my sisters now has to do with baby stuff, and it’s just a lot to take right now.
I am still so incredibly happy for my sister, but it’s starting to hurt a little bit more every time I think about it. I called her this afternoon after work to ask her to put together a wish list so the rest of us could start buying the stuff they’re going to need (they’re on a really tight budget). I was asking her what they had kept from when my nephew was born – thinking that it was 6 years ago, so they might have gotten rid of some things. She mentioned that they had hung on to a lot because they were wanting to pass it on to me when I got pregnant. And of course…that never happened.
It hurts to think about how long we’ve been waiting, and how much longer we might have to wait even still.
Yesterday, my boss’ daughter was in the office all morning (she’s 4) and she spent most of the time following me around. She’s really sweet – I’ve known her since right before her 2nd birthday, so we’re old pals. We talked about her school, her cousins, what she wore for Halloween. I stuck a bunch of staples in some paper so she could practice taking them out. It was really kind of fun to have her around. Fun, but painful at the same time. It hurt my heart a little bit every time she’d giggle at me or come skipping over to ask me a question.
And then, of course there’s my new pregnant coworker who is expanding by the day. Every time she comes in to ask me a question, I curse a little bit in my head and try not to look at the belly. She probably thinks I’m a royal bitch because I don’t go out of my way to talk to her (in fact I avoid her like the plague).
It’s not f*&ing fair. I’m a nice person, generally. I’m a good sister, really. And I love kids. But I can’t handle the constant yearning for something that goes unfulfilled year after year. I’m trying to protect my heart, but it gets torn to shreds anyway. Life happens despite my infertility, and there’s nothing I can do about it. I can’t shelter myself from everything painful – there would be nothing left. Infertility touches every single second of my life. There isn’t anything that is unaffected.
There is no sanctuary from the pain that infertility brings. My mind can push aside emotions temporarily, but they are still there stewing under the surface, waiting to boil up and explode.
I don’t know what to do besides just pasting a smile on my face and hoping that I can trick my brain into believing that I’m okay.
We interrupt this post for a quick phone call…from my mother.
Apparently, she wants to do some baby clothes shopping while she’s out here for Thanksgiving.
Fantastic.
I don’t feel like writing much today. I’m kind of in a weird mood – tired and grumpy, and a little emotional. It’s cd13 and I haven’t O’d yet. My temp has stayed pretty stable the last few days, which is nice. My pre-O temps this month have all (but two) been as high as my last couple coverlines, so that’s nice to see. The BD marathon is pretty successful so far (not successful in that it has ended in a BFP…yet, but that we are still enjoying ourselves).
I think I have a “case of the Mondays”. I feel great over the weekend, enjoy myself, enjoy spending time outside and with my husband, and BAM! Monday morning rolls around and I feel like sh*%. The only cure is to quit. And yes, that day is coming soon, but it’s not here yet. And until it is, it feels like it may never happen. Kinda like getting pregnant, I guess. Until it’s actual happened, it’s just a hope and a dream.
DH nailed up every inch of that fence last night. I was planning on leaving Eddie inside this morning, but we’re planning on going to Delaware tomorrow for the Punkin’ Chunkin’, so we need to know whether the fence will hold him before we go. He’s not a digger (unless he smells a mouse under the deck), and he’s not a climber (to our knowledge anyway), so I think we should be okay with this latest fix. We have added “fence rebuild” though, to our spring to-do list.
The Punkin’ Chunkin’ should be fun! Hubby’s “big brother” in his fraternity in college has invited us out the last couple of years, and this is the first time we’ve been able to go. It’ll be nice to get out of the area, even if just briefly. I haven’t gone anywhere since we went to New Mexico after my MIL died. It looks like the weather will cooperate too, which is quite a change.
Today is cd10, and typically the start of our BD marathon around ovulation. I am planning on using OPKs once again this cycle – and will try to use them twice a day as someone recommended once. I’ve never gotten a positive on those things, and since we BD anyway on all the right days, I didn’t really see the value in them. But apparently, if you’ve never gotten a positive, it could mean that your ovulation window is so short that you’ve missed the surge. So testing in the morning and again in the evening (or more often even) will show a better picture of your ovulation surge. Since I was so unsure last cycle of when I ovulated because my temps were so out of wack, I’m going to use them to confirm it. Even unsure, we still hit all the right days last cycle, so it’s not a timing issue anyway…
I have been taking FertileCM this cycle too, since around cd5, and Air Power (guaifenesin) since cd7 or 8. So far, I haven’t seen any fertile mucus, but I guess we’ll see if this stuff had any effect in a couple days! Base on cd14 ovulation last month, I’m assuming I’ll see something soon.
I hope everyone has a great weekend, and gets out to enjoy the lovely fall weather before it becomes winter weather soon!
The little stinker did it again!
Got the phone call from my neighbor at noon. Luckily, I was planning on going home anyway for lunch since I forgot to pack one. I guess DH missed a spot when he was tacking down the wire – at the bottom of the fence toward the corner. It was hard to see in the daytime, much less after dark when he was working on it. Eddie was happy to oblige this time, so when I walked out behind the fence and called him he slipped right through! I stuck a big log up against it for now, but then shut Ed up in the house anyway.
It was all fun and games for the doggy – he got to visit the neighbor three times this week! That’s three free playdates with Dan’s dogs, three milk bone treats, three days of running around in the woods to his heart’s content. He’s going to have a rude awakening tomorrow when he’s stuck inside all day. I’m not letting him out into the yard by himself until we get some daylight hours this weekend to double-triple-quadruple-check the fence.
Silly doggy.
And just for fun, I’ll leave you with a picture of me, DH and Eddie . (Is it obvious how thrilled my hubby is to be on the bottom of that pile?)
Subscribe to RSS Feed
